Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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