I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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