I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
