Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this just has baby written all over it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
