What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You need a sexual gate keeper
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
