it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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