Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
