I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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