it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
