how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
