remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
