The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
