oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
