in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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