This is not my ceiling
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
