I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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