Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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