when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
