Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
