I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
