tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
