I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
