I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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