he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
