So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
