I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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