dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
