The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
