Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
