I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
