My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
