I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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