Screwed.edu
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
