I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I will die if light touches me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
