Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
