as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
