The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
