SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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