I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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