Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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