I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
