im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
