happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
