It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
