worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
