I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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