i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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