I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
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