Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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