remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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