How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
